Amalgamation

“I have the choice of being constantly active and happy or introspectively passive and sad.  Or I can go mad by ricocheting in between” – Sylvia Plath 

The above is something I have found myself fighting with for a large portion of my life. It almost feels as if you have two polar opposites to your personality.  So distant to each other you could never envisage the two coming together.  Yet here you are, an absolute amalgam of the two.

There is the part that is portrayed to most people. Happy, active, working and busy. Bubbly and bright and just an all round helpful person. I love working, if predominantly for the fact it keeps my mind busy. I’m good at it. Better in fact than your normal day to day tasks. I’m organised and have an understanding of the goings on around me. I can make sense of this world.

Alternatively, there is the side to me I almost fear showing others. For if I am to show you how much I care, how much I am affected by the words used towards me. You will think me a fool, thin skinned and weak. The side of me that rights and feels she understands the moon. The side that will talk to plants and embrace the fact we are but one. As what else is there but this one life?

I wish I were a fool. I wish at times I would just soar through life not caring about the injustice in the world. On our streets, in our neighbouring countries, on the internet, and if I didn’t care, I wouldn’t hurt. I find it hard to understand how one person could be so dismissive of another. Without caring about how that may affect the other person. We are all different and we’ll never be able to get it right one hundred percent of the time. Yet we can try. Why are we mean to one another? It tends to be as a defence mechanism. When someone’s been hurt and feels if they should feel such a way then why can’t they inflict that upon someone else? It’s stemmed from negativity. There is zero benefit to it. No one feels better after being mean to someone. Surely that must mean we do care. I have to hope it does.